“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” Charles Bukowski

Paulo Coelho“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.”

Recipe for hypo-mania: First, you have to be biologically prone to have one. Second, exhaust your mind by: walking under the sun all day, not sleeping for at least a week, drinking alcohol constantly, and non-stop talking about God, war, and love!

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I’ve got lost in the trip down to memory lane to find myself!

My name is Thaís. It’s pronounced “Ty-ees” and it’s from the ancient Greek name “Thaïs” meaning: Beloved. I’ve ALWAYS lived with passion and for passion. It’s part of my name so is my entire sense of self! I love to listen to music. From indie/alternative to progressive rock/metal. I fully relate to many of the lyrics like Pink Floyd – “Brain Damage” song: “And if the band you’re in starts playing a different tune, I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.”

I’ve always leaned towards the depressed side because this desire for passion is not always met, so I get lost and frustrated in life. I also often found myself thinking about my past with a lingering sense of failure—the hangover of my time spent living a lie. I’ve finally noticed that fooling myself can have devastating consequences, especially when it comes to school, career, sex life and relationships in general.

I’m pretending to be something that I’m not. I’m tried to transform myself into the person everyone expects me to be. I’m fighting my way to an authentic life. I’m tired to live a lie and I have to stop to live in a way that is dishonest to myself or to other
people. Many people find it difficult to be intimate with anyone when they are not really sure who they are. When you feel like life is fake, it’s pretty hard to be close to somebody. It feels exactly like Foo Fighters – “The Pretender” song: “Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend.”

I’ve also got a lot of anxiety so I need a very controlled and predictable environment. I always want to receive whatever I’m waiting for as quickly as possible. “Carpe Diem” sounds so good but I know I’m not intensely connected to the present moment. I’m mostly reliving the past or dreaming about the future. “Seize the day” and “live like there’s no tomorrow” makes me anxious because they are just a reminder that tomorrow exists. I have to learn to coexist in this world as if there isn’t cover and inside. Life is made up of pairs of opposites; we need movement and rest. The real challenge is to find the middle way: balance.

VictorIn Portuguese: “Quando a situação for boa, desfrute-a. Quando a situação for ruim, transforme-a. Quando asituação não puder ser transformada, transforme-se.” Viktor Frankl.

Social media helps me not to miss anything that happens in the world outside! I also want to show that I have a “perfect” lifestyle and that I’m doing something, no matter how empty and meaningless that “something” is. For someone my age, perfection is to be someone nice, sociable, who spends 3 hours per day in the gym, works eight hours, does MBA, goes clubbing, and still finds time to watch the most popular series and movies. And to me, a real life is allowing me to moments of silence and solitude in my own company, away from the world.

I recently started to ask myself: What about the ‘world’ from within? When was the last time I stopped to look after myself? Have I ever closed the door to only hear my own voice? Then I realized I know all about what’s happening around me, but nothing of what goes on inside my mind and heart. That’s how I’ve finally noticed that this hurt soul of mine deserves my full attention in order to enjoy life to it’s fullest. I’m usually very apart from others and, recently, I was able to spend a lot of time with myself. I enjoy having my space and I’ve always had an original personality. We all should dedicate some time to our only true partner for life: ourselves.

 

 

img_5952-3Now, I’m trying to be more like Kurt Cobain: “I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.” You don’t need luck when you don’t give a fuck.

It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who messes you up and doesn’t help you to fix it…

(in Portuguese: Melhor sozinha do que com quem the bagunça e não ajuda a arrumar…)

 

Ayreon – Day Seven: Hope

[Best Friend] Let me take you back
to the time when we were chasing all the girls
Two maniacs
indulging in the pleasures of this world
So much to see, so much to live for
Questions to answer, places to go
So much to be, so much to care for
Deep down inside, I think you know you are free
Come back to me!

Look ahead and see
There are still so many borders we could cross
Just you and me
making up for all the time that we have lost
[Best Friend] So much to see [Me] He may be right
[Best Friend] so much to live for [Me] I’ve got to fight
[Best Friend] Questions to answer [Me] I will pull through
[Best Friend] places to go [Me] Take me with you
[Best Friend] So much to be [Me] I will not break
[Best Friend] so much to care for [Me] I must awake
[Best Friend] Deep down inside I think you know [Me] I think I know
[Best Friend] You are free [Me] I am free
[Best Friend] Come back to me!

[Best Friend] Aaaah, aaaah – Come back to me
[Me] There’s no way out, my whole world is black!
[Best Friend] Aaaah, aaaah – Come back to me
[Me] I try to shout, something’s holding me back!”

 

My husband and I literally drove each other crazy in July 2016 during our first vacation in Europe together. I was hypo-manic for a while and my husband had a similar episode, but more severe than me.

When I come back from vacations in general, it’s if I’ve never really left home because everything else stays the same. But during this last vacation, I did some serious soul searching and it became an unique life experience for both of us. Well, it was really an eye opening trip for sure! Every summer has a story and at least, I can say, I’ve had a short time of happiness in life, rather than no time at all. I’ve realized I have to beimg_6595-3 thankful for such short times because, somehow, they manage to keep me sane and get me through life.

Believe it or not, but this episode we had in Europe is among the best things that have ever happened to us, because it has given us the challenge to heal and grow. It was the most interesting thing to see the Old World with a different perspective. We felt like everything made sense and we were so thankful for all that. To the point we thought we had a mission from God to solve all problems by carrying  the world on our backs. But it was too heavy to handle and our minds broke down in pieces. The funny part is that we are truly grateful for having had these experiences, even though they were absolutely awful in general. They have made us closer to each other and a bigger, more empathetic, stronger and beautiful couple.

“If it’s going to happen, it will happen, but why should I miss the dance? The time is short.”img_5984-3

Don’t ever question yourself “why?”, just turn the word “regret” into “I made the best possible choice I could at that time”. I’ve learned to take responsibility for my life and to follow my dreams. I was in conflict with myself and conflict is essential for evolution/growth. “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” so never forget: “Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves” – Friedrich Nietzsche

I need to free myself because right now I’m a prisoner of my past! How do I get out of it? “How can you tell a passionate heart to be still and to contemplate the miracles of Creation in silence, free of tension, fear, and unanswerable questions?” (Paulo Coelho) I’m stuck but I may have just found a way and, of course, I’ll know if it really works later on in life.

IMG_5501I’m clearly having a quarter life crisis since I’ve finally realized a very obvious thing: we have one life in this planet! It doesn’t make sense to me to not pursue what we really want. I’m now working to get everything together and on track. Unfortunately, I’ve realized that I have a life that I’m not super passionate about and happy with. I’m in an environment that doesn’t support/serve/love me so I shouldn’t have to keep living like this. I’m finally taking initiative and action towards what I really want in life and moving towards what I want to achieve/cultivate/create/happen in order to feel accomplished and fulfilled in life. It’s time to start right now!

I wasn’t stable at all and I had no idea that I also had mental health issues until my co-workers and in-laws brought to my attention after our vacation in Europe. I took a few months off work to recover. I was feeling like a ghost wondering on Earth and not being totally sure of my true identity. I was a spectator of my life by just listening instead of imposing on reality. I now realize that I am an active manifestor and I’m the one who creates my own reality and it’s about time for me to take action!

I am studying my life in detail and reliving each moment that I suffered, sweated, and smiled beneath the sun. Since I moved to Canada, I’ve been taking “Netflix and chill” literally for many years now and here I only work, sleep and repeat. Noting new, nothing fun. My social life is near to zero comparing to the one I had back in Brazil during my teenage years. I feel so lonely here, but before I start, let me brag for a moment: I’ve never had spending impulses like my mother who ended up declaring bankruptcy in my childhood. After growing up with things like that, I made sure I would never be in debt in my life. I’m respected by my colleagues and customers. I have a husband that loves me with all his heart and we have a very comfortable lifestyle in a first world country. Our 5 year goal is to start raising our 3 beautiful children. “Someday, all the love you’ve given away, will find its way back to you and stay.” All I want is a man that is down for me and only me, and I think I may have found him. He has always been by my side since the day I was born. His name is Eduardo, my beloved husband. For the past 7 years my husband is the only thing that really matter in my life. I opened up my true self to him and he loves me for who I really am. I need him in my life to keep going and feel loved.IMG_5392

Lucky me to have you in my life.

I found my other half and I lost my entire self.

During our Europe vacation we both realized that we shared the exact same feeling: “I loved someone else more than myself.” That was the beginning of our hypo-mania and I was the first one to have grandiosity thoughts and become religious. This whole experience turned two Agnostics into full Roman Catholics: “We are all living in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”(Oscar Wilde)

We were both battling depression for years and he was way more depressed and more manic than me. I only noticed that he got really sick when it hit me that I couldn’t helpIMG_5350 him by myself with ineffective over the counter sleeping pills. I felt guilty… he was the reason I was still breathing and now his brilliant mind was gone because of me. On the way to the Emergency Hospital nearby, he texted his parents that I drove him crazy and it kills me just to think that I could have been responsible for that. It was when I realized how much I’ve hurt him with all my sick mind/emotional games over these 7 years together. He is just as insecure as I am. Most of the silly fights we have are just because we were afraid of losing the other. I lost my whole sense of self since his first night in the man’s ward in Prague. A week later we went back to Toronto and his family all turned their back at me because I was clubbing every night in Prague and they felt that I didn’t care enough for Eduardo.

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I definitely feel like an outsider around his family. Eduardo is my safe port whenever I’m at their house. Eduardo is afraid of confronting his parents and end up with a bad relationship with them. Just recently, I’ve realized that this is Eduardo’s problem and not mine. So I’m simply giving them space to figure this one out and in the meanwhile I will be distancing myself from his family.

I’m doing some serious self-discovery during my mental health treatment. Eduardo and I are still between depression and hypo-mania. I know I have a clear conscious that I did the best I could. Even though his parents said they will never forgive me for what I’ve done in Prague and how I’ve treated their son. They blame me for his sickness, but Eduardo is responsible for his actions. I was devastated in Prague and I needed to feel alive again, so I went clubbing and sleeping until noon. I guess they forgot that I visited Eduardo every afternoon. I still enjoyed my hard earned vacation at some point at night.

I was back at work (and boring day-to-day life) since our first day back in Toronto and I worked until my managers suggested I take a sick short-term leave after exact a month.

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I didn’t feel respected by his family and they made sure to remind me that I did’t have any saying inside their house and that I lost all their respect/credits. Fine, it’s good to know! I don’t get it how people can be this complete insensible with another human being feelings! So there’s no point of me spending even one more word/tear/energy towards this. I realized how “needy” I was when all I wanted was them to stop being so rude to me and maybe even love me. I feel just like The Offspring clearly said on Self-Esteem song: “The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care.”

“Don’t waste your time where there isn’t any space for you.” – Mathew Jacobs

I’m sorry I can’t please you. Fake sympathy is not my strong suite.

There’s nothing for me here.

I see all this as another challenge in my life to learn more about self-love. I’m determined to finally learn more about my personality and who I am.

My only hope now is to keep looking for one of those once in a lifetime moments. Yeah, and my life is full of those.

Take a ticket, take a ride. Hold on tight. Take the ride of your life. Against the current.

So far, so good. Everything is perfect.

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